Cut too deep (on hold)
by thunderbirdsaregokayo
Summary: anorexic alan, cutting kayo,insecer scott, and more? what if they wernt the perfect family you see but each one with their own struggle and deamods to deal with that there 'show' is only a show- sorry for changing this
1. pain

**I only own thunderbirds are go season one and two also im dyslexic so please don't hate at spelling mistakes**

**This is my first fanfiction so be nice**

**WARNING self harm, eating disorders and death DO NOT READ if sensitive to that stuff**

**P.s ages:**

**Scott - 27**

**Virgil - 24**

**John - 20**

**Kayo - 18**

**Gordon - 17**

**Alan-16**

. .

Kayo POV:

Sitting there, blood pouring from my wrist, I looked out the window, I just came back from a difficult mission ,flying fireflash that was a job and a half . but it didn't make it any easier when Gordon noted that there was blood on my shirt. I kept telling him that it was a scratch from a mission and he didn't need to worry about it however he didn't seem to buy it.

Suddenly a knock at my door.

"Kayo it's me Gordon, we need to talk." _crap _

i slid the razor under my bed

"Come in" the door creaked open. I felt like I knew what his words were going to be. I started to prepare some excuses 'i fell' or 'fight with a cat'

"I brought a first aid kit" chirped Gordon. He grabbed my wrist yet I pulled away. _What if he finds out?_ he would tell scott and then a bombardment of questions would follow.

Gordon's face fell from happy to worried "kayo" Gordon paused "what are you hiding?"

_Shit_ he knows somethings up " I will do it later … after a shower…"

Gordon got up "I will leave it there then." he murmured and left.

i got up and followed him to the door when he left i locked it and went to the bathroom. Cutting my wrists like never before . After ten minutes my arms were more cuts than skin. I slumped on the floor ._Why me?_

. .

Third person POV:

Gordon walks into the lounge, not able to shake the fact that something was up with was just acting too weird

"Why the long face squid boy" he heard as he goes to get his morning swim

It was Alan

Alan has been Kayo's best friend for as long as he can remember . they tell each other everything. If anyone knew what was up it would be him

"Hey, I'm worried about kayo."

"What's up?" Alan asked in a stern yet worried tone as he knew Gordon didn't worry for no good reason

"Go see for yourself." Gordon remarked as he jumped into the pool.

. .

Alans POV.:

Walking up to kayo's door felt like doing the walk of shame i didn't know what to expect.

'_Knock knock'_

From behind the door came a whimpering sound

"Go away Gordon"

_What's wrong with her ? she is never like this._

"Kayo it's Alan … i'm coming in" i tried to open it but it was locked

_Shit me and kayo swapped pass-codes ages ago. What was hers …..1304 . is was 1304_

Typing it the code i opened the door to find her not in their the light was on yet no her

Then i heard her shout "go away" i immediately ran for the bathroom but was stopped dead in my tracks to soo my best friend and sister in floods of tears

As I went closer I noticed her wrist torn to pieces. as she sat their begging me not to tell anyone

All I could do was sit there,comforting her ,telling her that her secret was safe with me and wonder _why?_

Slowly getting up and got the med bag and dressed her wounds and sat back down next to her now kayo had calmed down. All I wanted to do was to know why and just hug her yet in her shaking hand is a blade and I needed it.

"Its ok kayo,it's ok " I reassured her as I put my hand on hers "now…. Give me that"

I take the razor from her when i hear Gordon's voice in kayo's room

. .

Gordon POV:

After a good swim my mind felt a lot more clear im on my way to take a shower when i saw kayo door wide open and heard someone crying i wandered into the room to find the first aid kit was gone

"Kayo you ok?" out popped Alan with blood on his hands "what's happened ? Is she hu-"

I was cut of by Alan

"She is fine! Nothing to worry about. Goodbye." Alan dragged me out but i know she isn't fine.

. .

**Alan is lying . Gordon knows something is up. what's gonna happen next?**

**Thanks for reading. new chapter soon :) **


	2. the truth will out

**I only own thunderbirds are go season one and two also i'm dyslexic so please don't hate at spelling mistakes**

**For clarification **_**italics**_ **is their thoughts **

**Read chapter one first!**

**WARNING self harm, eating disorders and death DO NOT READ if sensitive to that stuff**

..

Gordon POV:

_What should I do? kayo's not ok but Alan's not saying anything! _I thought _what if I tell Scott he is the oldest. _but no.

A hand landed on my shoulder .. it was Scott

"What's up little bro? I was known for not being able to hide emotion

I grinned "nothing" _Please be a rescue, please_

"International rescue, we have a situation."

_Yes saved by a rescue_

"Where do you need me. John"

"We need you at k-2 an avalanche,if you and … where's kayo?

John looked confused

I jumped in "taking a shower"

"Ok, if you go with her in , there are signs that this wasn't Mother Nature ."

Without thinking I start running, I'm in kayo's room when I realized that she really shouldn't come. She looked as if she had been crying for hours but she would kill me if she didn't come. "We have a situation, avalanche of the un-natural kind" she got up and walked over to me

"Meet me In the hanger" she snapped and walked off

We arrived at the scene and started to dig people out. Kayo went to find our destructor_. How do I get in it like an ice house! _I decided it needed a bit help from Thunderbird 4. At my 'bird I stood and looked up at the mountain, then a massive ship which was just out of view took off causing another avalanche, the snow almost buried Thunderbird 2 and 4 . luckily only almost

"Kayo!" i screamed hoping for a reply . nothing then realized

Kayo POV:

Hiking up the mountain I saw him ...my uncle...the hood. The tracey's knew about the hood being my uncle yet he is not an uncle to even moving i heard him speak

" hello tanusha" sending chills down my spine "come see you uncle" with that he turned around

" What's your plan .hood" I said as I swung up to see him

"Oh do call me uncle." He glanced at me then said in a monotone voice "still up to old habits , I see."

He stared at me I had no idea what he was talking about _he doesn't know about my cuts, dose he? _"What do you want!"

"Isn't it obvious, I want the Titanium ore and I'm ….. successful goodbye"

He jumped in to his ship as I put my tracking device on the bottom . "Oh and by the way Tanusha I hope knowone finds out your little secret " with that another avalanche happens

Over the coms suddenly came a voice

"Kayo!"

"It's ok Gordon I'm fine" I said as l sat in the freezing snow

"Just collect new when your done."

,

Now it's just the wait

Alan POV:

I was sitting around the dinner table kayo and Gordon was home and grandma had brought us chicken. Everyone was chatting and eating it up like they never saw food , yet I'm not.

Food never interested me. It was like a curse, although I have a fast metabolism, food seemed to be purely numbers and downfalls - _I have to be fit, I'm an astronaut, I need to be strong to be healthy _\- my thoughts were interrupted when everyone went silent "you not hungry little man?" i looked around and everyone had finished except me.

"No i'll eat somthi-" thud i hit the ground like a sack of potatoes

**..**

**Alan has collapsed and the hood knows something please leave a revie if you wan,t more:)**


	3. sick

**I only own thunderbirds are go season one and two also im dyslexic so please don't hate at spelling mistakes**

**I'm starting to get writer's block , reviews needed!**

**Read chapter one first!**

**WARNING self harm, eating disorders and death DO NOT READ if sensitive to that stuff**

**Sorry its short i'll get a longer one out tomorrow**

..

"Alan!" voices echoed through the house "get him to the med bay, NOW!" shouted virgil

Scooping him in Scott's face fell.

Alan had never been a chubby kid far from that in fact yet when he picked alan up it

It was like picking up a 6yr old. "What the?!" Scott just gave them a glance of pure dread "he is as light as a feather, and not much thinner than one." scott remarked as he walked to the infirmary. As soon as they got there Gordon, scott and kayo bombarded virgil with questions as no-one knew what was wrong.

"Shut up " silence fell as the young medic checked his vitals "now, he is ok … for now . the faint was caused by low iron and sleep deprivation however, he is anemic in everything" virgit sat on the bed "there's nothing we can do until he wakes up"

Scott turned to Alan "why allie? Why?"

Suddenly kayo took off "Should I follow her?" John joked as he went to see if she was ok.

Kayo POV:

I ran. I ran to my room faster than light, i didn't even realize that john had followed me. _Why ! why Alan!_

_Because I drove him to it's all my fault. i am __worthless__. _

In a fit of rage I grabbed the razor which was behind my pillow and cut , it was deep and stung like hell. I turned around to see if there was a spare bandage . then i saw him.

" h-how long have you been standing there? " i got nothing except the blank expression he was giving me "kayo…"

My mind reached a critical panic " you don't speak a word of this to anyone, understand?"

"Virg-" john started to shout still giving that dazed look but i cut him off

"Not a word" but i was too a massive dizzy spell hit me and i could do nothing but fall not fully unconscious vaguely remembered virgil talking i just ney we had a whole lot of talking to do me and alan.

..

**So the truth is out but at what cost**

**Guys i don't know if i will upload chapter 4 im in a bit of a writer's block ** :-)


	4. the bad news

**I still only own thunderbirds season 1 and 2 **

**Sorry this is a short one its more of a gap filler as im ill :)**

**HI im back! If ya like this leave a review i'm gonna do a shout out for chapter 5.**

**Now onto the story…**

Kayo POV

There was a lot of noise. It seemed as if everyone was shouting yet there was barely any noise. I tried to open my eyes when i realised three things 1. I had a stonking headache 2. I was not in my bedroom 3. My secret was out."who knows?" I murmured not expecting any reply, at least not this one "dad, grandma me virgil john and gordon." Alan said, _wait alan was awake! How long have i been out for? _

" i'm so sorry, Alan" i whispered "how are you"

Virgil, she awake ." then a commotion came but i wasn't concentrating on the people pulling at my arms or even the fact that everyone was in the room _dad was back and he returned to this !?_

I felt the sadness building up on me _if only i could find my razor or something to relieve the pain but no_ i tried to fight my anxiety but i was too late i started to hyperventilate faster and faster

I heard people telling me to calm down yet i couldnt i started to lose consciousness . when i was awake again only the young medic was in the room and he was asleep so as quiet as i could be i snuck out of the infirmary too my room

When i got into my room i barely recognized it. Everything seemed to be where it shouldn't be but at that moment i didn't care i just got into bed and fell asleep, woke up hours later and went back to the infirmary to find virgil however there was only a very stern looking man _jeff tracy. When alan said i thought it was a sick joke but no there he was just standing there _

" jeff?"

"Yes,tanusha, virgil and scott are searching the island you had us worried sick .kayo." jeff smiled as i ran over and hugged him t_he man i thought to be dead stood in front of me alive and well _ with that john came in seeing me made him smile " i was worried kayo I'm sure you're gonna give me a heart attack" john joked then wrapped his arms around me. i hated this ,being smothered with love _all i wanted to to is to forget about this and go back to way they it wont they will always worry if alan skips a meal or if i get upset _ _in case ether of us do somthing stupid. _With that john said in a voice pure dread " gyes come see this and the holo tv showed a anonymous message 'hello im tanusha kyrano uncle and thats all the identification you need, I think its in your best intreast that you know that international rescue drove my niece to SELF HARM . they can not be trusted . thank you good bye

**So what will hapen next ? **

**Gyed i wont post every day im sorry :'(.**


	5. the fight

**Yes its chapter 5 im back, sorry for the wait i had writers block this chapter you get to see a very angry Scott and a very angry grandma (Ruth) Tracy**

**I do not own the Thunderbird but i do own 2 hand sanitiser's **

**Usual warnings this story contains self harm and eating disorders and alot of Alan and kayo whumpf! **

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Kayo's POV:

_We haven't talked much… or at all. We all gave each other awkward glances and never spoke. We avoided the subject and each other unless it was necessary . At least Alan talked to me a bit. The island was now so quiet and big. Once a cosey busy island now seemed to be a massive silent obyse International rescue was struggling people where not trusting us saying stuff like 'if you did that to that girl how can i trust you' and i have been suspended from duties. So my life is to get up, go for a run, do daily tasks and sleep. When they first found out all i wanted was to be left alone and them not to be a complete smotherhens but now they are completely ignoring everyone. It feels worse _

"Hay… um … kayo can i come in?" kayo jumped as it wasn't alan or scott but john the man who never left thunderbird five especially when things aren't doing great on gravity place.

"Uhh yea in." i said and tried to think why he was down from his pride and glory. "Why are you down?" i asked in a in a as curious manner but failing to hide my surprised tone

"Oh come on kay, i don't stay there all the time."i heard and responded with a raised eyebrow "i actually came to say hi and see how you where as from the looks of the coms channel the only time you speak is when you argue with Scott"

The starman then came in with a disjointed walk ,_obvious he hasn't been down long, _and sat down on the bed

"Well apart from not being able to:stand in the kitchen, fly my 'bird or leave this room with out being shouted at by scott i'm fine."

"Aww its not that bad"

So just to prove my point I got up and left the room leaving my door purposely open and walked into the lounge their was Scott and when he noticed my presence he stood up growled and mumbled under his breath "this is all your fault"

To prove a point i said "what was that Scott?"

"ITS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT ,TANUSHA, ALL YOURS ."Scott yelled at the top of his lungs he looked raging with anger the comotion brought jeff and ruth into the room "no-one NO - ONE , trusts us and why would they .GIRL SLITS WRISTS AS FAULT OF INTERNATIONAL RESCUE!"he stopped and took a long breath as fear racked my body. He hadn't shouted like this in months and with the added support of john i thought i would be safe but it only made it worse. He continued oblivious to the fact that the Tracy patriarch and matriarch were behind him

"dad should have NEVER took you in. All you have been is trouble , with the hood being your uncle and now this. YOU SHAME INTERNATIONAL RESCUE AND YOU ARE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF YOU UNCLE…...EVIL ….UNCARING…...AND A DISGRACE TO THIS WORLD . Tanusha KYRANO"

With that i ran out of the room in floods of tears with Alan following after

* * *

**General POV: **

Scott went to shout again but was cut off by Ruth

"How dare you! That girl would fight death to get the world's trust back and you have the audacity to scream at her and say she is her uncle?!" she said in a forced calm tone "now i thought our conversation a couple of months ago would bring you out of what hell you're standing in but obviously not!" Scott lowered his head knowing he overstepped the line then his father piped up but his anger was in his voice " and to say I should have never taken her in . you have some nerves . You WILL be suspended from flight duties for MINIMUM of two WEEKS, YOU WILL apologize to kayo and YOU WILL STOP this nonsense . this is NOT KAYO'S fault .GOT THAT!" all was heard was a mumbled "yes sir" and the loud thuds of Scott boots as he left the room

**So what do you think :) **

**Please review it what lets me know that you still want more!**


	6. feeling sick

**This is set at the beginning of the same day as the last chapter but focused on Alan as I neglected his story a lot so here. In this chapter it shows a bit on Alan"s anxiety based on my own where I have certain triggers but sometimes for no reason I start to panic, and go into a panic attack. P.S. For those who are confused, the last chapter was set 3 months after chapter 4.**

**I do not own the thunderbirds but i do own some cheese**

**WARNING: SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDERS VIEWERS DISCRETION ADVISED**

**Read chapter one first**

**Alan's POV:**

I woke up knowing today was going to be hard, for starters I was awoken by the sound of the space elevator which in its own was a bad thing ,not that i didn't want to see john, the exact obersit. My mind raced with what he thought of me _, was i too fat, virgil said i gained a pound, was i fit enough,god i need a run, i need to prove i can be a thunderbird,_ just those thoughts made be sick for the first time in 2 weeks (which i know sounds small but it was 'apparently huge). I forced my leggs up and strolled to the dining room each step seeming to take longer knowing how much food there will be.

When i arrived john was already there and so was virgil so skipping breakfast was a 'no go'.so i took a small bowl and put roughly a child's handful of cereal and some milk and sat down to shot me worried glances as i pushed my food about in the bowl every now and again taking a mouthful

"I'm fine, Virgil. just not hungry." but that only got me a glare from john too. "Look, I'm fine." i said with an exbsraterd sigh

"fine but you're eating lunch, ok?"virgil said with worry lacing his voice

"Fine, whatever" i mumbled pushing my food round some more

"With that i make my leave" john said and got up and started to walk towards the door like a puppet which made virgil and i giggle.

"Not been down long i see"i whisper to virgil who completely loses it into fits of laughter

The rest of breakfast was weird i kept getting uncertain glances and i felt like i was about to throw up the contents of my stomach after about 10 minutes i gave in to temptation and ran to the bathroom but as i got there i heard yelling at first i thought it was scott losing his cool again but when i caught what he said i got up wiped my mouth and ran to the living room to see an angry scott ,terrified kayo, stunned john and virgle and a fuming grandma and dad the tne words lteft his mouth

"_YOU SHAME INTERNATIONAL RESCUE AND YOU ARE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF YOU UNCLE…...EVIL ….UNCARING…...AND A DISGRACE TO THIS WORLD . Tanusha KYRANO"_

And kayo bolted from the room, i followed after her and she slammed the door in my face

"K-kayo, its alan can I come in?"

All i heard was sobs from behind the door so i slowly to not frighten her and a moment of deja vu as i step through the door to see her crying on the floor a knot formed in my stomach

"hay,kayo, you ok?"gently sitting down next to her

"F-f-fine, j-just - p-p-peachy" was the response broken by sobs

"Oh, kayo this isn't your fault Scott was being an ass to you no-one belives what he said."

" but it's true!" Then she broke down into uncontrollable sobs that shook her whole body. I shuffle next to her and put my arm around her.

Once calmed down enough for me to leave (Aka. smiling and laughing)

I got up and went to the kitchen as it was already 7 pm and would kill me but then i bumped into john and panic surged through my veins i froze still terror in my eyes.

It felt hard to breath and a knot formed in my stomach

"Are you ok, Alan?" John said and put his hands on my shoulders. I jolted away and ran to the bathromstill with a hand on the oor frame i violently chucked up the last 4 days meals and still didn't calm down

"VIRGIL, could you come here NOW please '' John shouted, rubbing circles on my back and trying to calm me down. I'm not sure what happened next but all i remember was a sharp prick in my shoulder then calm and sleep

**General POV:**

Virgil ran down the corridor hearing john scream for him on his way he grabbed an emergency med kit (standard habit now) and when he faw alan hyperventilation and being sick he just said "john expose his shoulder for a shot please' and then plunged a needle full of a strong sedative into his arm. john looks at the doctor with worry laced onto his face

"Its just a panic attack, a big one , yes but only a panic attack . do you know what caused this?"

Virgil said with fake enthusiasm

"No, I was coming down to see kayo and bumped into him. I said hi and he legged it!"

"Oh well then better get him to bed we will speak with him in the morning" the young medic said as he lifted his brother up and carried him to his room he tucked him in when he notes his old calorie book was back out on the table

**so there chapter 6 next will be on scotts veiws the next day. Hope you enjoyed it it was a bit of a long one. **

**byeXOXOXOX**

**Kye**


	7. Scott?

13/04/2065

Everyone has bad dreams, memories they rather forget, fears and emotions, right? So why does a bad dream cause me to blow up in peoples faces. Say irreversibly disgusting,horrible,vile things to the one you are terrified about losing. Just a few hours ago I did exactly that, got scared, blew up in kayo's face and said some vile things ALMOST PUNCHED HER and then as a punishment got suspended of all duties for awhile but if it was up to me my punishment would be alot more . how could i be so stupid, saying those things i am the one who is as bad as the hood. Field commander of IR, eldest son of jeff tracy ,pilot of TB1 and biggest idiot of the world

Let's start at the beginning the night before

I just got off one of my solo missions, the ones wich john begrudgingly gave me the others dont know about they are my destressors and training sessions in a way like nurses go on rotation to learn and help patience , well didn't go to plan when a young child died. Died in my arms, asking for her mum. They are never meant to go wrong! They are the jobs too big for local services but not really needing the birds'but alas it happened and now i'm sat on my sofa staring into space the mission on repeat in my head people screaming as the tree fell. Little girl…. Oh, the little girl. Tears start to slip down my face and before I know it my body is wracked with sobs.

The reporters still going on and on about kayo. It is not her fault. I just wish they would just shut up! Pushing through the reporters I made it back to one. Almost in tears, I flew home. No…..no…..no….. it's not her, its not her…. All I could think about is kayo in my arms instead of the little girl.

I got home and just sat there, her Cries replaying in my mind. The thought of it being kayo was torcherus when she came in I couldn't handle it and screamed at her. I said the opposite to the truth. I messed up but all my pent up sorrow and worry get streamed out as anger.

Well…….. you know the rest. So day 234 since the stupid therepist made me start this. Scott tracy over and out.

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**A/N I'm really stuck for ideas if anyone wants to help :)**


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